Random Musings
On Ghouling
So it's not like there's really a crisis here, but this is a long-term commit here. Seriously, we're talking about people, not pokemon cards. This might be odd, but I think what's happening is that I'm becoming potentiually protective - possibly even a little thoughtful. I mean really, what am I letting loose on the world? I've already got one ghoul who's been a 30-year companion, a childe who's only a little younger. The Addams Family dynamic might be upset if I bring someone else into the fold - and let's not kid ourselves, she'll be part of the fold - if not immediately, then (relatively) shortly. Perhaps it's a few centuries of biting off more than I could chew, but it seems in this life I'm more...cautious. Maybe it's because I've seen enough failed experiments. Maybe it's because I'm not sure how this fits into the master plan.
Really, that's the main thing here - I'm a painter who has no idea what's going to happen at the end of it - could be the Sistine Chapel, could be a Jackson Pollock, might even be a Andy Warhol. Now I'm starting to get an inkling of what the elders are like and why they're so damn paranoid - every splash they make resonates, and every connection they create is a potential weak point. Of course the flip side of that is if you wait too long, the moment of right action is lost. The cure for that is to think faster.
Back to the point, I believe ghouling Rebecca may be the right action here, if she's willing. I may revisit this section if I'm wrong.
On Independence
So with a few hours to navelgaze, I'm considering why I chose to be an Assamite. Given that so much of what has happened appears to have been thought out, I don't think we'd leave clan as a function of chance. So for now let's assume after an insane cram-session with a sports almanac, the choice was given. And it all comes to one thing. Independence. Not freedom, because let's not kid ourselves - freedom is the illusion presented to us by the masters of the Jyhad, moving their pieces (us) to do exactly what they want us to do. Is it really a choice if our morality only allows us to do one thing in a given situation? I think not.
And so, independence is the word I choose to describe the reason for the choice. As a clan, we have traditionally stood apart from the sects. Even with the Sabbat, the assamites stood apart. This independence was necessary in the early days for some reason as I recall. Whether self-aggrandizing history, or pragmatic choice that became tradition, we stand with our backs only to our brothers. Lacking that to a degree, I am aligning with vampires of similar lineage, allowing us to collectively do a few things necessary to keep progress from starting over at 1100 CE. Part of me really want to bring Jeremy into the fold, Duarte less so - but maybe later. Perhaps this is why we're all being brought back; there's history that transcends.
It's also why I seek to create the Harbor. As someone who has seen the chains one imposes upon oneself in the name of a greater ideal, it's not something I would wish upon another. So with the recent split of the clan from within, it falls to someone to bring the clan to a new place. I haven't heard of anyone doing something like this, so someone has to take the first step. Aligning with the Camarilla places their shackles and their beliefs upon us. That restricts us from our goals. We're independent for a reason. We should be independent, if only to remind the comfortable black and white sects that there is gray in their worlds, and that gray should give them pause as they make their next moves. For Al-Ashrad to seek the cover of the Camarilla is disheartening. It speaks to a position of weakness, and others will exploit that weakness, and fetch the thumbscrews.
To this, I say never. It's one reason why I despise New Orleans' ilk. Every move, every play, everything I did was subject to the whims of another. Perhaps it rankled me because I knew the choices were someone elses'. Better to be independent and not feel the strings than to feel the bit in your mouth guiding you like a show pony. Certainly there are those among the Sabbat who would read this and feel a certain joy. Hah. They see the words and feel their fire, but they've grown so comfortable with their own manacles that they don't know they're even there. They parrot and shout and move, but they are just as crystalline-structured and bound as the Camarilla. Where the Camarilla trades loyalty through favors, the Sabbat trades loyalty through blood. Is the Viniculum a truly superior thing? Pah. The only loyalty worth the name is the loyalty born of shared experience. That is why when the time comes to act we need to be as far from the black and white as we can be. The darkness comes from the gray, and so there must the light be.
What's possibly the most amusing part of it all is that both sides think they're free - to be fully honest as I stare at the mirror and look at my ever-darkening face, none of us are truly free. The more enlightened think they've got the best choice of masters, realizing that they aren't truly free. Does all this make me better than my fellows? I don't think so. It means I can either be amused or weep bloody rivers at the willful ignorance of the sects themselves. These are are tied to an ideal. The Camarilla tries to play at being the Benevolent Order of Water Buffalo, doing good things and playing at the shadows to set the stage for humanity to keep being humanity, and hiding therein and whiling away eternity at some power game that locks them in as surely as a fly in amber. The Sabbat tries to play at being Hells' Angels, swearing oaths in blood and shrieking the lie of their freedom every hour on the hour to try and convince themselves. Wow. That just got cynical in a hurry. Of course, I've only been on one side of the street, officially. However, New Orleans convinced me rather thoroughly that the other side of the street suck too. So my only option is to play in traffic.
Ur-shulgi is the maul that splits this clan. Who's the hammer?
On Allies
Short version: We need them.
Long version: We need specific types of allies; the ones who will first off buy into the premise of what's happening and are willing to plan to prevent that endeavor. We're classifying them, and hopefully everyone'll play ball. First tier allies know everything. They're the ones we can trust, insofar as trust exists among vampires. Second Tier Allies know the Giovanni are up to something. They're probably going to be like...I hate to say it but pawns. Specific skillsets, and a burning desire to bitchslap Italy. Third tier allies are not going to know anything except their job. Disposable, replaceable, plug and play. This is the thing that keeps me up mornings. I'm going to be sending people to danger, potentially death. Is there in fact a greater good being served with this. Obviously yes.
This is something where the First Tier may be of greatest use - we (or at least me) will need some form of moral reassurance that this end goal is worth the end game.
Moving forward, I'm thinking of who we have to date. The Prince of New Orleans might be considered an ally insofar as it helps him. I'm pretty sure any arguments along the lines of greater good are gonna fall on deaf ears, given that the greater good is anything that helps him gain power. Gods bless the camarilla and all its' little self-interested twits.
His Highness in Rio I'm a bit more comfortable with. The clanmates in Rio, and the ones I can convince to come with, are probably much better. Plus, I can communicate with them. That said, I'm not going to exactly lean on the clan loyalty thing too hard. The thing that'll be in it for them is the new home. As a side note, it's annoying to have people speaking for the Antediluvians when they're wandering about and are, to all logical inferences, quite capable of speaking for themselves. Hopefully Haqim blesses this brilliant plan of mine. Or at least he doesn't hate it.
Potential allies, Dresden leadership. They are rather formidable, but I'll need to stay on their side.
On Emotions
I have them.
Seriously, you would think that at 280-something that I would remember this jazz. Although every time they show up, it comes as a surprise. I mean even taking out the loop part I'm pushing 60. You would think that by this point I'd have a handle on the emotional vagaries of existence.
You would be a damnfool optimist, apparently.
I suppose it's more of the fact that they refuse to line up in an orderly fashion and introduce themselves one by one. They go after me like I'm the head cheerleader at homecoming. What bothers me is that I may have spent the last 30-plus years being emotionally not-so-swift, and now the grim tidings are coming with a vengeance.
So now what to do about. Enumerating the emotional statuses one by one, because if they're not going to be orderly, they're going to get ordered.
1- Anger. I absolutely hate being controlled. Someone did it. My actions, my skills, all of these were honed by me for the exclusive use of me. Taking over and using my skills is an absolute travesty, and of course those who did probably didn't consider that. Which pisses me off to no end.
2- Shame. Really, it's embarrassing to have done something like this happen. I'm better than this. I do not cause mass slaughter. I'm better than that. I have morals that tell me right from wrong, and this is an inherent wrongness.
3- Caring. This isn't exactly the most surprising, but what is surprising is the depth of it. I mean I've seen Tina get bounced around a lot, and it's always bugged me - but this time it wasn't physical; I frightened her. This is new and stirs up things I haven't felt for awhile. Part of it might be my own suppression of emotions. Which is weird, given that I think of myself as having a relatively wide range of emotion.
Overall, I think I may have to work on other things as well, but this emotional well-being needs to also be considered. Why do I suddenly feel like Tony Soprano?
Further Plans
2031
I find myself considering what shape the Harbor will take, both physically and spiritually. Physically, we'll need a lot of protections. Architecturally, I both want and fear patterning it after Alamut. I want to because, well, it's Alamut. Duh. Fearful because if what I've heard is true, it may be the height of hubris to make something in its' shape. Spiritually, this may be a tougher nut to crack. Everyone wants to be on the side of right, but if we call too much attention to ourselves, we're shanked before we start. It's going to be rough - and that's even before we talk about the other clans. The King may be displeased to find out there's a few dozen Assamites camped out in his backyard, and that they're not all cute and cuddly like me. There'll be a few concessions, like who'll be off-limits. I think there's a few we could collectively make, like no contracts on the acknowledged members of the community. It gives a measure of surety, and also gives us an out just in case someone thinks it'd be fun to poke an Assamite with a stick. Other concessions would have to be negotiated, quite possibly as a group. I'll need a lawyer for that mess.
In addition, the time may have come to decide whether or not to embrace Andre. He's been a faithful trooper for decades, and really he's heavily bound. Is his mind clear enough to realize the tradeoffs? For that matter, should I sire additional childer to begin with? I mean, eventually they're going to have to know that awful icky truth. But the older they are, the more time they'll have to prepare. I may have to consider finding some more ghoul candidates among my employees.
