Tales from the Gods' Tavern
Kids and Wives
So now it's the year 14; or it will be once calendars are a thing. And Apparently I have some potent-ass jewels because I have a total of 8 kids from 2 wives. Yes I have two wives now. Pretty sure that's gonna be the limit because one of them is Andarta, a goddess of war. She may be jealous. Now while Goda isn't a goddess (That I know of), she is definitely jealous. And she's not exactly happy that every time we do the dance with no pants, she winds up pregnant. That said, there's alternatives - we're all adults here, I'm sure you brilliant twits reading this can figure it out for yourselves. We've settled into a routine of sorts, as the years go by. Andarta and I have our children spend a year with me, and a year with her. We each raise them as we see fit, and I'm proving to be a decent-ish dad. Weird. Andartas' first daughter is Boudica, and there are twins en route.
I don't need a baby name book, I am the baby name book.
I think part of why Goda's jealous is because Boudica's the child of two gods, and as such is growing up much faster than the Fearsome Foursome. Which makes sibling fights tests of how sturdy I can make the walls. And while all of them do have the abilities of a god, I'm pretty sure the children from Goda are going to be the second string. Boudica hits...well, not like a truck, but a well built Volkswagen. She has cracked my ribs a few times, and...ooof. Has anyone else noticed tempers flaring a lot or is it just me? Anyway, I really need to be creative with a few things, especially when it comes to channeling everyone in a positive direction. Hopefully they'll be able to figure out where they are and how their places work.
Now the down sides of all these relationships is that I'm definitely not going to be invited to Olympian banquets. And in fact there's a sub-group of Vulcans' children who are accosting my followers in the streets. Even killing. This does not please me, so I am going to have to figure out a truce with Vulcan and make sure everyone plays nice. How I found out about the subgroup involves a night with Bacchus. On the up side of that, I had a great time and found out what I needed. On the down side, I woke up with a pig. Literally. in a sty. With an epic hangover. But with all that done, things are in motion - events are taking place soon that may require my attention. Specifically, the death of Octavian. And with that in mind, I may need to take a quick trip to the lands of the Marci tribe.
New Day, New Temple, New Problem
So one of the things I forgot about was some of my followers were attacked by some offbrand Vulcan...well, I can't properly call them worshippers, but they're annoying nonetheless. They're apparently not fans of me and mine, so I had to find out more. Cue one drunkass night with Bacchus that we don't talk about except to say I found out a little more, and I wanted to make sure I didn't have a holy war in the offing. Those can be rough. Vulcan assured me that we did not, so now it's time to help Mors with a thing. Specifically the current Emperor Octavian being about to shuffle off the mortal coil. So first, it was time to get our stuff together and get horses for a ride to Ostia, where we were going to catch a ride to Neapolis, and from there hoof it to Nuvlana where the good Emperor was waiting for his afterlife Lyft to arrive. I don't think Goda was entirely pleased, because every time I go on one of these trips with my friends something weird happens. I don't really have the heart to tell her that's why they're my friends.
So the horse ride was pretty easy, and then it was a quick canvass of the city for opportunities. First off, there's no temple to me in this outback. We'll have to fix that. Second, we had to get a ride. That was easily arranged, but then the local 'insurance' guy came around and wanted a slice for himself. I got him drunk, bartered him down, and because I am a damned showoff, I basically made the coins appear and fall into his hands. He was a happy camper. Once that was done, we were on our way to the nicer part of town to rent a home for a few days and get the permits in order for my temple. Then, since I had some time to kill, I decided to get a head start on the temple. The workers were going a slow, so I made sure the architect had the plans and promptly bought the temple up from the ground. It was no small feat, but I think I could probably make it easier with a little more work. Unfortunately, there was a side effect or two, in that well, a few people kinda sorta died in the earthquake. Note to self, less of that. However, the aftermath was amazing. There was dancing, the architect was having a moment, and it was a great welcoming to the town. And it pretty devolved into an epic party. But then I had an idea of sorts. The port's mostly used for grain, and if we built a mill onsite we could ship flour and move things more efficiently, with the chaff and other junk from it being put to use in other ways. Powered by water, if there was a source.
Oh look, there's the Tiber right there. Easy money. The weird thing during all of this was Kimiko looking at the size of my temple erection and suddenly deciding I was in fact nice enough to hang out with. It was seriously flattering and annoying all at the same time. Also, the temple wasn't the only thing erected. And no wives for miles. And, while I can manage Goda, there's a firey red-headed goddess of war up north who would not appreciate me with a new coat of wax on the godly candle. Andarta tolerates Goda, and I fear the day they meet. I managed to extricate myself and get cranking on the celebrating and also a few other things to get my temple going in the right direction starting tomorrow, once I had a meeting with the city fathers to discuss the mill idea and a few other things. If I play this right, Ostia could become my favored city in the Empire.
The next day progressed with minimal fuss, as it were and I finally got everything straightened out, got people going in the right direction to temple up my temple, and the meeting with the city fathers took way longer than expected because Kimiko was there again. To misquote a guy, oh did I wish I was somebody else right then. Somebody not married twice already, not madly in lust with a beautiful woman who can kill me with her pinky. Cause, yeah, pretty sure both Goda and Andarta would thoroughly disapprove - Goda, because there'd definitely be infidelity on that one, and Andarta because there's babies to be made, and Kimiko ain't a baby maker. I was able to hold onto that thought and finish the meeting, finally. And then Morpheus showed up to assert himself. I did in fact wonder where the hell he'd been during the meeting, before the meeting, and per-may-flipping-haps he should go find his undead concubine and have a talk about how I am not on the market. And if he was in need of some help with the marital duties, as it were, I'd invent a few things that might keep her happy. He was snippy, and was all ready to set some things on fire when Mors interrupted. Well, her spear did anyway.
After a little cool-down, we figured out what was next. Kimiko had disappeared, and I needed to get back to work. I found my architect, passed out on his desk with a few reams of papyrus for drawing. I took one, added some additional things to it for the temple, and also drew up some plans for the waterwheel mill. All in all, good times. He'll wake up with the inspirational drawings and hopefully take the next step. Meanwhile, we had to figure out where Kimiko was and I was politely summoned by Siobhán to help her find Mors and Kimiko, and we did.
In bed.
On the one hand, where the hell was my invitation to this party. On the other hand thank me they didn't invite me. I'm a pretty strong guy, but that mighta been the one that convinced me that a bad idea was a good idea. Morpheus was right behind and he was awestruck and displeased all at once. And we're just going to file that under Not My Problem - probably have to have a night with Bacchus, because after some discussion, we got teleported to a beach where Kimiko turned into Aphrodite wearing sea foam and a smile. Turns out Aphrodite's been cosplaying as Kimiko for awhile now, and Morpheus didn't really notice. Which does not speak well to Morpheus' powers of observation. Although to be fair, most folks who run up against Aphrodite tend to lose. In any case, Morpheus is back in the dumps because there's a lack of Kimiko in his life.
We got sent back to Ostia, where we had more discussion - we were being followed by...well, atheists, for lack of a better term. Siobhán had massacred one and we questioned it. After the questioning, we had to take the snickelways to Nuvlana. I am not going to lie I have a love-hate relationship with that sort of travel. We got there before we left, and I felt a weird duality as I was literally in two places at once. We found where our pursuers were hiding and then things got interesting. They had a statue that was literally taking divinity away; which sucked massively, as I could feel the power in this place. Earth, fire, all the things in my wheelhouse, right under my feet. we stole their statue, melted it, and then I remade it into an inert replica. And then we put it back where we found it. Damn I'm good.
For the rest of it, my part was pretty quiet - I didn't get to set anything on fire. Annoying. But I'm pretty well on my way to having Ostia as a nice vacation town, and I may have to consider Nuvlana as a possible expansion. That said, I may have to travel back to Andarta soon.
Weekend at Octavians'
So even though we had things mostly settled (Octavian wasn't getting any deader, after all) we still had problems. According to Siobhán, the big problem was that Octavian, despite being really dead, had apparently gotten up and left.
Spry for a dead fellah.
Time to go find the dead guy, and the one person who was great at finding dead people was off in the land of the dead. It was not fun. I borrowed a Praetorian uniform and a horse and headed to Nuvlana - from Siobhán, the villa had a secret tunnel going somewhere. I had to tippy-tap on the ground to get a decent guess as to where things were, and so we headed into the bar. As a Praetorian, I got the attention. Which gave Morpheus, who is apparently a marathon runner in his spare time, the time to get to the kitchen where the secret entrance was. I'm not sure what happened, because I had a pair of epic breasts shoved into my face as someone wanted to play with the Praetorian. In a vacuum, I wouldn't have minded. However, I had two wives - and I had not had a conversation as regard to fidelity with either of them. That may be a conversation we need to have. Unfortunately for me, I was in a tight spot (phrasing) and getting out was apparently not a thing as I had a feeling the ladies were trying to bag and drag a Praetorian. It was probably Aphrodite again. I mean I did escape her womanly embrace once, and she was probably interested in the fact that I could say no.
I made a note to have the fidelity conversation. Twice. But first, I had to get away from this fallen flower with thighs that could crush watermelons, as well as her three friends who had plied me with a little drugged-up wine. It was not an easy task, especially since where one would normally hear sweet nothings and promises of gentle touches, I hear "We're going to dismember you and I'm keeping your manly goods as a trophy." Also, drugged.
I have the worst luck.
I tried setting her hair on fire, but she shrugged that off, so I pulled a lot of the goodies to try and teleport myself to a nearby fire. It worked, but the crazy Not-My-Ex-Yet came with, and she was happy, because apparently sacrificing me to Jove would be wonderful for them. Not so much for me, but apparently I was expected to be okay with this. Alternatively, my being okay with it was immaterial and they just wanted me to make a baby and die in the expected manner. More likely the latter. This became more obvious after I headbutted her and her response was to pull me underground and take me on a ride to Vesuvius proper.
My borrowed uniform was in fact wrecked. But that wasn't the worst of it. The worst of it was that I was at the very edge of Vesuvius, and a whole bunch of mostly naked women were cheering as apparently I was just supposed to accept this whole being sacrificed to the volcano thing.
Time out. Just time, the hell, out. And I did in fact tell time to stop, and it said sure, for a minute. So I started climbing like my life depended on it - because it did. They gave chase, I was being chased, and it looked like the winner was going to be whoever had done the most cardio. While I could certainly get through it with trouble, it was just the distance involved. And in case anyone was keeping track, I had in fact been getting my ass kicked on the regular. Being outnumbered four to one and then seven to one can do that to a fellah. Time for a last ditch get me out of here. Siobhán had managed to get herself near me and would hopefully catch me when I did the stupid thing I was about to do.
I used the 'make a temple' trick to decent effect, launching myself up and out using a column of rock. Vesuvius was reaaaalllly mad and had a mini-eruption, which was okay in that I could handle the heat. What was not okay was that I got smacked by all the rock. It was in fact naptime.
I woke up in a lot of pain. On the up side, nobody was trying to use my manliness or godliness to ill effect. On the down side, my everything was broken and I owed a Praetorian a new uniform. Still, I needed a medic, and well, Morpheus was there with an offer. Take a nap, and all would be well when I woke up.
And it was. In between, there were maidens, sponge baths, grapes, wine, and all the delectable treats I could want. No wives-kids-temple problems, and really, it was not too far off from an actual vacation that I truly needed. It was a chore to wake up, and truly I knew what Aragorn felt like when he was making smoochyface with Arwen, and it turned out to be his horse.
I wanted to go back in the worst way, and it showed. I was hanging out with Morpheus far more than I should have been, asking for a power nap. All the while, we were escorting the body of Octavian back, and people were not pleased to see him dead-dead. It was a trial, and it did not get better when we got back to Rome. The Kabeiri were gunning for me and mine in the worst way, and there were fights and deaths happening; at some point we're going to have to hammer out a truce. And to make things worse, two people tried to kill me with their glass daggers. I swept up their remains and brought them to Siobhán, and apparently they were nameless faceless, and serve some unknown 'nothing' deity. That's going to make life amazingly fun. Still, it's time to start putting things in their proper place and soon.
