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For those of you who don’t follow sports, come back later.

Attention All Ye Broncos Players:
Sit up straight, pay attention. There may be a quiz after I’m talking. Todays’ lecture is going to be about the business of football.
Law I: You can be traded. Simple as that. Nobody is untouchable. Joe Fucking Montana got traded. For two draft picks and a safety. Think about that for a second. If you think you’re untouchable, if you think there’s no way they’ll ever get rid of you, just keep thinking that when you get told your Unique And Special Snowflake ass is playing somewhere else this season.
Law II: Crying To The Press Makes You Look Like A Baby. Again, relatively simple. I know the reporters gotta report something, but you keep your pissy mood in house. The minimum-salary-rookies in the locker room are getting paid $310,000. That’s about 9 times what I make in a year. You fuckers have a gift. Accept it as such, change your goddamn diaper, and talk to the coach privately. And don’t go calling up your buddy in the local newspaper. Don’t text your agent. Keep it between y’all, and then you’ll have something to write about in your memoirs.
Now that I’ve strained your brains enough, I’m going to turn my attention to the coaches.

Attention All Ye Broncos Head Coaches:
I know you’re new, and your new office chair hasn’t quite molded itself to your ass the way you’d like, but let’s a couple things straight here:
Section A: You were hired to be fired. Sorry, but them’s the breaks. I know you want to put your mark on the team. I know you want to make the playoffs and be the King of All Londinium and wear a shiny hat; but that’s not going to happen any time soon. It will happen if you get as much as you can out of your players. That means reassuring them sometimes. That means, that when you have a one-on-one with your spiffy quarterback, that you be honest. You say something like “Yes, we listened to people offer things to trade for your services. They didn’t offer enough, so you’re still here. I’m the coach, I want to bring in a new offensive system. More importantly, I want you to run that system while I overhaul the defense and get us to where we deserve to be.” If you can’t handle saying something like that honestly, Get the fuck out the way, because I will say it, and I’ll probably definitely say it for half what you’re getting paid. Keep this jackassery up, and you’re going to be a bungee coach.
Section B: Crying to the press makes you look like a baby too. See above, except you’re making over 2 million this year. Change your diaper, work with the talent you’ve got, and pull up to the second window. While you’re there, ask for an application; if you can’t hack it in your squishy office, you best fucking find a new line of work that’s more your speed.